Not sure where to begin. The end of this year has been pretty rough to say the least. I was hoping a lot of things would be wrapping up now before next year but it seems quite a bit will be carried over. I’m trying to think positive on it all but I’m pretty worn out. I think I’m in need of a very long vacation from life or something. Wish that was possible o.o

Up to date on everything bad:

Well lets see… Joe and I are not JoeManda anymore. I’m sad and happy about it at the same time. Feelings aren’t going to just fade away and I feel doubtful about what I’m doing every other day. But I know things can’t go on as they are now and cannot be fixed. I’m happier with myself and only myself for now and that’s something I really need. The living situation is what really makes it difficult at the moment. Obviously we can’t continue living together. This whole issue has been the source of a lot of stress for me. Where am I going to live? Not like I’m being kicked out or anything but I need this to be resolved soon for the sake of my sanity. How the hell can we move on like this? The answer is we can’t. So I’m at a stand still… and if you’re anyone who knows me I hate being stuck and unable to do anything. Absolutely hate it. Need progress soon.

Up to date on things that are good:

Much of my happiness right now comes from my new found self confidence. I feel a little more free then in the past 6 months…. that and I’m dropping weight like crazy suddenly. I guess I just care about myself again? I’ve been neglectful of my own self worth/growth for a long time and kept wondering why I get worse. So the hate I previously felt for the person I am is starting to subside thankfully. I can feel like a real human being again. I think I was relying too much on another person to bring me happiness and forgetting I should be responsible for my own. I feel stupid about it but at least I’m learning. Not sure if some kind of damage was done by it all though. Might affect stepping back into relationships in the future. Feel like my trust is going to be a lot harder to earn now. Trust no one but yourself, rely on no one but you. That’s what I’ve learned. I know who I want to be and I’m going to be it.
In terms of other positive things I’m feeling more financially secure in ways. OMG I’m saving money o_o. At least I know if anything happens I’m not completely screwed. Security is always good. I do need to figure out ways to make more money though, that would be nice.

Within all this mess I’m trying to make plans and not make plans at the same time…. plans have screwed me enough… but I need to get myself where I want to be. Looking at the bright side of things, working hard and hoping for good. That’s really all I can do. Dare I say I know I’m depressed though. I’m just not sure how to deal with it this time around though… fucking hate pills and therapists. Times like these really show you who your friends are and I’m happy to say I’m blessed as far as that goes. I just need to learn not to push people away when I need them. Always feel like I’m such a bother. I know, I talk about the rely on self crap but this is different… dunno maybe I’m a hypocrite? meh.

So moving on from it all there’s a lot I need to focus on going into next year. I want to finish unfinished projects, lose a ton of weight, save a lot of money and just be happy. Simple enough? we’ll see how things go.